Tag Archives: confidence

A Year Of Rebuilding; Choy’s Death Day

This time last year, I was a complete mess: my kitty, Choy, whom I had grown completely in love with, passed away unexpectedly. (See: “Coping With Loss, Partnering With Change” and “Normal vs Abnormal; Recovering and Renewing”)

I was not only broken emotionally, but physically and spiritually as well. It took a good couple weeks to stop feeling a pressure in my chest, a good few months until I started exercising again, and only recently have I renewed my confidence in my spiritual practice. Although, the thing is with this kind of loss, it will never really leave. I will carry it until I die, and I’m happy to do so; that’s how much of an impact Choy made on me.

Frankly, I do miss Choy every single day, but I take comfort knowing that he’s in Heaven, pain free, romping and playing with his brother and our other family members. One day I’ll even join him.

But my job isn’t done here on Earth. Frankly, it’s still only beginning. I still have things to do, people to help, stories to write!

Honestly, I’m proud of the growth of strength I continue to see in myself every day. Sure, I’m not invincible; there are still times where my anxiety takes over and I second guess myself.

A few months back, a distant friend of mine offered me these words of encouragement:

Motto #1: “Don’t let the bastards get you down!”
Motto #2: “The tough times are what define us.”

I cannot begin to express my awe and gratitude at receiving these words at that point in my life; they were exactly what I needed to hear. Mom, dad, and I had a lot of challenges hit us all at once in the first few months of 2016. Ones that we never saw coming.

I firmly believe now that, in a way, we needed these events to happen. Too long had we been at a standstill, too long had I been mourning; we needed to be jolted out of our rut and thrust back into living. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I really, really wish that some of these events hadn’t happened. But, like my friend said, they truly defined us… they truly showed me the kind of person I am, what I need to work on, and where my true values lie.

So, don’t let a horrible circumstance get you down. Eventually you’ll find your way out of it–maybe not as quickly as we’d want, but the Universe has a way of sending us what we need. God is always watching over us and just waiting for us to ask for help. I know I wouldn’t have gotten through Choy’s death, these new circumstances, or anything that might surprise me in the future without Him. And Zad. And new friends, old, and family members.

It’s only life after all.

Memories of An English Excursion: The Taxicab Driver

Alrighty! Well I’m pleasantly surprised to find I did journal about the taxicab driver when I was in England. All this weekend I’ve been submitting to journals. Yesterday was Chicken Soup for the Soul. Today I’m aiming for the Silver Linings Writing Contest and one other.

The “other” being… of a mature rating… of a certain kind of anthology…

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…. and also I may not get to it. We’ll see.

(Update: I know I’m not getting to it, so I’m not stressing. T’was low on my list. ANYWAYS.)

So, for my Silver Lining, I am reading through my England journalings. Back in 2009, I signed up for a study abroad program at Lancaster University. I was shy, scared, and on my own. For the first time in any of my travels. It’s one thing to travel alone for the first time in your home country. But another to travel alone for the first time in a completely new country.

My emotions were accurate.

The most memorable moment of my England jaunt was when I went to London to visit an American family. They were relatives of a woman at church and I promised I would connect with them. Around the time of Thanksgiving, I did. We had a wonderful visit. I was pleasantly surprised to find them with an American-English Thanksgiving feast in their kitchen. Honestly, I really hadn’t expected it. And I had been missing home. I remember at their house, I forgot I was in England.

The whole visit was a wonderful recharge from culture shock. Because of them, I could get through my finals that would start in a few weeks.

Man, I forgot how tough college is sometimes. Especially abroad.

So on the adventure back to Lancaster (in Northeast England — up between Manchester and The Lake District), it definitely took smarts.

  • The American family saw me off in Ely.
  • Train from Ely to Birmingham.
  • Train from Birmingham to Preston.
  • Train from Preston to Lanc–

–well, that’s when we hit a speed bump.

The train from Preston to Lancaster had been cancelled. It was 10PM. Thirty miles to Lancaster. No other trains were coming.

So. Close.

How was I to get back to my dorm? Was I to wait for the morning? Get a hotel room? Miss my Monday classes?

Cue Angelic interference. Three women I had talked to on the train disembarked. They saw my deer-in-the-headlight expression. They were headed to Lancaster too. Or past it. I don’t remember. All I remember: they were headed in the same direction.

Could they drop me off? Nope. Of course their car was full.

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However, the women did help me in another way. There were taxicabs lined up outside of the station. Waiting for a customer.

“Can someone give me a ride to Lancaster University?” I mumbled. Tired. Frustrated. Shy. Uncertain.

The drivers sprung into action. They bickered over who would take the large fair. In hindsight, I realized it was rare for most drivers to make a £45 fare. Honestly, I consider it a win-win for both of us. I really didn’t want to stay in a hotel, so I was happy to pay him. Like Kismet, I had the perfect amount of cash in my wallet — for fare and a generous tip.

10:00PM. Cab ride, Preston to Lancaster University.

The Indian driver and I chat here and there. I take in the M2 Motorway. Lancaster University was in the countryside, just outside of Lancaster itself. So I really hadn’t had the opportunity to take in a highway or city life. I did get to walk around London by myself for twenty minutes, and now I get to view the highway. Definitely an alluring sight.

The driver pipes up suddenly. The words that come out of his mouth floor me.

“You are gorgeous!” He says.

I’m sure my expression followed the Emoji: (⊙﹏⊙✿)

“Uh… thanks.” I stammer. At that point in my life I wasn’t really confident in my appearance. Especially because I had lost half of my weight before England through a starvation diet, only to gain it back during my three month stay.

“Do you have a boyfriend?” Asks the driver.

“Uh. Yeah.”

“Does he take care of you?”

“Yup.”

“Do you… ‘gupti-gupti’ with boyfriend?”

Again,  (⊙﹏⊙✿)

“Uh… uh. Yeah.”

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I mean, come on, what else was I going to say? I wasn’t sure where this conversation was leading… and frankly I didn’t go there. I wanted to get home. So I did what my parents raised me to do: politely change the subject.

Ten minutes later, I was back on Lancaster University. The memory behind me.

Honestly, looking back on that memory now, I chalk it up to a great story to tell. A travel story of my own. Almost six years later, I’m on my way to becoming the woman I always wanted to be. Maybe, just maybe, this cab driver was seeing what I couldn’t see: confidence, beauty, intelligence, and a passion for exploring the world.

Even if I was so shy back then, I am proud I made it through. I accomplished what I thought was impossible: a study abroad, with good marks, and a heck of a lot experience under my belt. Now, in 2015, I’m a passionate writer, an anxious explorer, and ready to take on the world. That is my Silver Lining.

Look out. Here I come.