Tag Archives: anxiety

Keep Moving Forward

There’s a quote in Disney’s “Meet The Robinsons” that Cornelius, the genius inventor who has built this amazing city, swears by:

“Keep moving forward!”

The entire source of these three quotes are revealed by the end of the movie as something Walt Disney said:

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we’re curious… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”

I’ve had this quote popping up at random moments this month. I mean, when I actually think about it, it hasn’t been all that horrible, but it’s definitely been a weird mental trip.

My father’s business closed as of December 31, 2017, and emotions have definitely been up and down for mom and I as we adapted to retired life. For me, that means financially I have to 100% stand on my own two feet–which I’m quite capable of doing–but, in lieu of Dan and I getting married, I have been worrying about our combined future and everything that comes with it.

Which is pretty stupid when you get right down to it.

Now, let me explain. It’s great to plan and be mindful of the future, to work hard so you  prevent trouble as much as you can. But I was worrying to the extent of it causing me panic attacks! I was worrying more about the future–about Dan and my mother’s happiness–than celebrating my completion of a bookkeeping course, or successfully applying and pursuing jobs.

I talked to my friend about my anxiety and she labeled part of it as “impostor syndrome,” which is not entirely inaccurate. Basically, I’m not internalizing my accomplishments and am fearing failure despite all my hard work. In short, being a fraud. It’s an illogical thing to happen; my doubter calling me out,  saying “you’re going to lose no matter what you do.”

I’m proud to say that once my friend pointed out what my brain was doing, I’ve since issued an eviction notice to the Doubter. He’s no longer welcome in my life and will be vacating soon.

All the goals I’m pursing, this 2018, are well on their ways to being accomplished:
1. Become financially stable; whether it’s by creating a business, getting an additional job, or some combination of both.
2. Lose weight by Dan and I’s wedding; I’m already 10 pounds down, 40 more to go!
3. Finish current draft of novel by March, have my completed book circulating to agents by Dan and I’s wedding.

I will not give up. I will not give in.

Always keep fighting.

And keep moving forward.

Normal vs Abnormal; Recovering and Renewing.

A flurry.
Inside my chest.
Instead of my heart,
Butterflies.They escape a cage.

Two nights ago I settled down to sleep. Only for that sweet relief to be paused by my heart literally fluttering in my chest for a few seconds. Honestly, I’ve had this happen to me before — it is, in fact, a common thing for all humans — so I waited. My heart went back to its normal rhythm. I thought nothing more of it.

 

The next morning, I called my doctor with the aim of getting some advice on how to deal with stress. The struggle to get an appointment with my family physician ended with me confessing to chest pressure and heart palpitations. Thusly, the nurse suggested I immediately go to the emergency room.
*sigh*
Although I do realize she had to legally suggest that, I was still frustrated. I knew I wasn’t having a heart attack. I don’t have underlying conditions. My biggest physical problem? A 26 year old girl who is progressively losing her 50 – 60 excessive pounds. I consider myself lucky.
Through a series of pokes, prods, and stickies, the doctor examined me. She stated at the beginning of her evaluation that she, too, thought it was anxiety related, but wanted to check my overall health anyways. She tested me for all the “emergenices”: heart problems via an EKG and X-ray, the possibility of thyroid problems or blood clots via a blood test.

 

Everything was normal. Perfectly healthy. The doctor prescribed me some temporary anxiety medication to “take the edge off”. She said that it was rare for a 26 year old female with no history of heart disease or ANY underlying conditions at all, to have a heart attack.

 

Well, at least I walked out of the hospital knowing that I wasn’t going to be surprised by anything. My main concern was the thyroid test. I had been misdiagnosed before with a thyroid disorder and really didn’t want to go down that path again.

 

As a Spiritual friend told me a couple weeks ago, “You are very sensitive.” She was implying that I was an Intuitive. I think, in some ways, I have always known that. I’ve always been sensitive to the environment around me. Whether it be the emotions of those closest to me, allergies, having a respect of other’s lives before my own, and, of course, my own paranormal experiences.

 

Honestly, I had a pretty good handle on letting go of stress these past couple months. I was happier. I let it EXPLODE outside my body and never return. However, losing Choy has put my emotions in flux. The loss of my boy struck me, so strong, that it broke me to my foundation. Add my previous worries, whether they be about my future finances and writing career or about two [sometimes] intense anonymous family situations, and it’s no wonder I have anxiety.

 

This hospital visit was a wake-up call. God telling me to “quit putting off writing, your meditating, your Betterment Development, and–
giphy (3)
(Not saying that Shia is God or anything, but he does have it right.)

 

So. I work on me. Write. Meditate. Travel. Rebuild.

 

Father Steve spoke in his Homily this weekend about Mary letting go of her own worries. Of leaving them in God’s hands. What a strong woman! The moral of the story? “Don’t try to control everything.” As Father Steve paraphrased. Follow in Mary’s footsteps: give it to God. He’ll take care of you.

 

The death of Choy, has, in some ways, left me emotionally vulnerable. I want to hold everything close to me, protect it, and keep my own control involved. Not that I don’t trust God, I always have and always will. But… I guess it’s just a coping mechanism that I need to change.

 

“A normal reaction.” My doctor said.

 

Well… let’s work on strengthening my abnormal.