Category Archives: life

“Wedding, A Wedding, We’re Going to Have A Wedding!”

WELL that’s certainly something I didn’t expect!

Full disclosure: I just finished listening to my fiancee’s voicemail. He is entirely smashed, drunk, silly, and out of his mind! The only thing I know about this bachelor’s party is that it has been crafted as a Dungeons and Dragons adventure (he loves that game) and, at some point, I was kidnapped.

In this reality, I have actually been home prepping for our wedding in t-minus six days!

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YES!! 

SIX

FREAKING

DAYS!!!! 

samdean-breathe

*breathes in, breathes out*

In six days, I’ll be walking down the aisle and taking this silly goofball, caring soul, and intelligent nerd of a man as my “lawfully wedded husband.” In six days, I will declare my joy “to have and to hold him, for rich or for poor, in sickness and in health.”

 

And I’m totally excited!!

And nervous.

But not a bit apprehensive, for I do love my future husband.

All the freaking out I’m doing? Not in response to marrying him, no; it’s only because I have so much I want to get done in six days! Not all of them are wedding-related things: I have bookkeeping to complete, cleaning and packing to do, and three submissions I want to write to Chicken Soup for the Soul (Because I’m a complete masochist and writing is my life!)

*DEAL WITH IT face*

But in all honesty, I’m excited to be getting married. I love my future husband–more than I’d ever dream I could love someone–and I can’t wait to be his, or him to be mine. I’m eager to see what the future brings for both of us. I know there will be hard at times, but we will be able to get through it because we have a good support system in each other (and our families).

God bless all you married couples out there.

I will see you on the other side of the ceremony!

*runs off to complete more pre-wedding stuffs like a crazy person*

Keep Moving Forward

There’s a quote in Disney’s “Meet The Robinsons” that Cornelius, the genius inventor who has built this amazing city, swears by:

“Keep moving forward!”

The entire source of these three quotes are revealed by the end of the movie as something Walt Disney said:

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we’re curious… and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.”

I’ve had this quote popping up at random moments this month. I mean, when I actually think about it, it hasn’t been all that horrible, but it’s definitely been a weird mental trip.

My father’s business closed as of December 31, 2017, and emotions have definitely been up and down for mom and I as we adapted to retired life. For me, that means financially I have to 100% stand on my own two feet–which I’m quite capable of doing–but, in lieu of Dan and I getting married, I have been worrying about our combined future and everything that comes with it.

Which is pretty stupid when you get right down to it.

Now, let me explain. It’s great to plan and be mindful of the future, to work hard so you  prevent trouble as much as you can. But I was worrying to the extent of it causing me panic attacks! I was worrying more about the future–about Dan and my mother’s happiness–than celebrating my completion of a bookkeeping course, or successfully applying and pursuing jobs.

I talked to my friend about my anxiety and she labeled part of it as “impostor syndrome,” which is not entirely inaccurate. Basically, I’m not internalizing my accomplishments and am fearing failure despite all my hard work. In short, being a fraud. It’s an illogical thing to happen; my doubter calling me out,  saying “you’re going to lose no matter what you do.”

I’m proud to say that once my friend pointed out what my brain was doing, I’ve since issued an eviction notice to the Doubter. He’s no longer welcome in my life and will be vacating soon.

All the goals I’m pursing, this 2018, are well on their ways to being accomplished:
1. Become financially stable; whether it’s by creating a business, getting an additional job, or some combination of both.
2. Lose weight by Dan and I’s wedding; I’m already 10 pounds down, 40 more to go!
3. Finish current draft of novel by March, have my completed book circulating to agents by Dan and I’s wedding.

I will not give up. I will not give in.

Always keep fighting.

And keep moving forward.

A Story About Spirits

“It has been a difficult week.”

It seems that those words have left my mouth much too often the past few years; there have been a lot of struggles, whether it be through deaths, life changes, concerns for the future… the list really is endless.

This Tuesday marks the week anniversary of Sir William Oliver’s passing. He was our last Golden Retriever of a long line of five dogs. (His legacy will be carried on through Brutus, who is adored by his human, my cousin Jon.) I realized, though, that this was the first time in my life there hasn’t been a canine in my household. It’s a sad thing; no more large scampering paws on tile floor, random barking that signals a potty break, or trying to navigate the kitchen without plummeting to the floor due to the sleeping body right in front of the refrigerator.

I know it’ll be a long time before I have another dog in my life. Our Goldens were just that: golden. They were loving dogs that never asked for anything in return, but we gave it to them because they were a part of our hearts. Yes, there was the random annoyance of cleaning deer poop out of their hair after they romped through the woods, and poison ivy was always a possible side-effect of their hugs, but we did it anyways because we loved them with all our hearts.

It’s been a week and I seem to be coming out of my mourning; instead I am celebrating the lives of Scuttle, Goldie, Jewel, Baby, and Oliver that touched us deeply. They are no longer suffering. Instead, they’re on the other side, their presence always around us, supporting us, loving us, being there when we cry.

If we listen quietly, we can witness their spirits thriving–feel their breaths on our face, hear their scampering paws, and, for a split moment, try to catch ourselves as we almost trip, seeing, for a moment, a large golden body lying on kitchen floor in front of the refrigerator.

Our loved ones are never gone. They’re in the reality that we will, one day, reach as well. This life is temporary and, sometimes, full of pain. But it’s also filled with blessings; furry, fuzzy, human, canine, feline, or other joys that make this journey magical.

Love makes life worthwhile.  It’s why we’re here; to learn, to love, to try, to fail, to get back up again. Love is God, the Creator, the source of the Universe.

I love you, Sir William Oliver. Say hi to the gang and tell them I love them all. And I will try to love others, as you so selflessly loved me.

Rest. In peace.

As a side note (to Ghost Hunters Casting)

CONFESSION TIME. 


It’s not that I don’t want to be a part of this new Ghost Hunters venture… I think it’s more a fear of change and a fear of things-not-fitting-together. Especially being the uber-planner I am. I would love to do this. It would be a fantastic thing to be paid to travel and go to haunted locations to poke around in the middle of the night.

Oh yes. I would love that.

(But no one’s going to know until after June 13th)

But my true passion lies with my writing. With my book. With Angel. And my family. Definitely my family and my hometown, here in Wooster, too. I would hate to leave those behind, or have to re-adapt them somehow to my new lifestyle. But if I had to, I would.

(Really I’m just worried about working around Midwest Writers and my brother’s wedding)

And I’m also kind of scared of my book not working out. That it would get published and *poof* not many people would love it.

… and then I’d have to get a real job that I’d just be like

for the rest of my life…

If anyone says being an artist is easy, they’re lying. Thank God for Faith.

Ah… this is just a 1:45AM ramble… when I could just be sleeping or writing.

Carry on.

Hellllloooooo May!

So far May has been an amazing, truly wonderful, month. I took part in a voice recital yesterday, successfully singing “Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again” and making A LOT of people cry. MWHAHAHA!! Though… I almost broke character because of this. Apparently my subconscious wanted me to triumphantly laugh in the middle of the song. Twice. I got a huge compliment yesterday too, something I’m still reeling from!

Really the only SMALL annoying thing about May is that I still have this wart on my foot. Aaaand I broke down and bought some Compound W today. The clear nail polish wasn’t doing it fast enough. Man, I hate this stuff. HAAATE. But it works. By eating a hole in your foot. Which I can feel now. TMI. Ew.
And I’ve decided to attend the Midwest Writers Workshop in Muncie, IN in July. I CAN’T WAIT. I just hope I get my manuscript done before then. Hello nerves. I missed you. (Not really)
Though did they really leave? Because I’m meeting Josh Gates in less than two weeks. And THAT is freaking me out.
Seriously. I am finding the inability to breathe.
Seriously. Life is too amazing right now, with it’s wonderful possibilities. I just… hope… it all works out. Please, God. Please.